Respect

Respect is one of the significant values of southeast Alaskan tribes. One of the practices that the Tlingit tribe has is who does the disciplining of the young ones. While parents and grandparents certainly have a huge impact on the young ones, uncles are key to learning values, practical actions, and interaction. There comes a time in a young man’s life when learning respect happens in a moment of clarity. I remember back when I was 13, my mother sent me to Alaska, Hoonah a small fishing village, to learn from my Uncle Bill (Chops). One of the reasons why I was sent was respect was not a strong value in my life. I was starting to develop that “know-it-all” disrespectful attitude teens sometimes fall into and never get out of until way later in life.

I arrived in the summer and was to do chores with my Uncle Bill (Chops) and my cousins Raymond and Albert. I came before my uncle and stated I was asked to come help him with the fishing boat, which I did not want to do at all. The day was beautiful, the ocean was calm, emerald green, clear and fresh. Eagles were flying overhead, and the mountains rose quickly from the shoreline to their wooded peaks. The air was pure, fresh, like breathing directly from an oxygen bottle. The temp attire was a cool, yet warm low 70’s feel and all I wanted to do was explore and play in the woods. Chops started to explain to me that he could use some help removing paint on the boat. I immediately interrupted him saying, “I know how to do that, I just want to get it over with so I can leave”. Chops looked at me and smiled, then looked at Raymond and asked him… “Raymond, please bring me my crowbar…” Raymond said, “yes sir”. A wave of fear came over me as Raymond brought the crowbar. Chops looked at me with a smile and quietly stated, “son here is the tool you are to use to remove the paint”. My pride quickly took over and I said with conviction, “I can do that (thinking I will show him)”.

As I approached to boat that was up out of the water, the gravity of the task started to grip me. I used my anger to motivate myself to tear into the task, but just before I laid down the tool on the wood Chops put his hand on my shoulder and explained, “you need to be careful not to gauge the wood”. I do not need to tell you that a crowbar is not the right tool to remove paint.

First of all, the crowbar had a tip that was split into two teeth. Secondly, the crowbar only had 1/8 of an inch of metal in width for each tooth. Fortunately, I was already a good wood shop student in school, so I knew how to control metal against wood. In order for the crowbar to work, the worker (me) had to hold the crowbar at a precise angle with both arms up horizontal and maintain a steady pressure. I looked like a small bird holding my wings out. Again I used my anger to say to myself, I will show him…. And so began the self-inflicted pain.

Not using the proper tool makes the job very laborious, which gave me time to think. As the paint peeled off very slowly and my arms and shoulders heated up with pain, I started to realize if I had just listened and respected his direction that I would probably be better off. So, after 2 hours of peeling paint in a very small area in pain of my own doing I gained the courage to stop and approach Chops. I must have looked really funny, since I could not put my arms down at this point. I asked Chops for his forgiveness, stating I knew it was wrong to interrupt him and be angry at him. He smiled and said, “do you have a question for me?”….. I said, “Please, sir, can I have the proper tool to do the work you have asked me to do?” He put his hands on my shoulders and quietly told me, “Son, the tool fits the worker. Please go back to work.” I looked at him, then at the ground and said, “yes sir, I understand.”

This time I did not go back to work using anger to motivate myself, instead I reflected on the consequence of my disrespect. I resolved to return the next day to start off with respect. After another hour of work, Chops came to me and stated, “you have shown me that you can take accountability for your actions and attitude. Also, your return to work is now not in anger, but in obedience. Remember, that pain in your arms and shoulders is the result of a toxic attitude. No one wants to be around a toxic person. Respect is the opposite, being accountable, being calm, being caring through listening, looking out for others’ well-being. Let’s stretch your arms out and we can walk back home together. I can see now you are a person who I want to be around. Tomorrow, we will work together. I can see in your eyes you will be someone who I would like to be with caring for our family fishing boat.”

The remainder of the summer, I was quiet, obedient, and a hard worker. Chops was there at my side, telling me stories and helping me understand how to work, not just the tasks, but how to interact with others. I started to realize respect is not just for elders, but anyone who is with you along the way.

When I returned home to Wisconsin later that summer (after many more life lessons), my mother told me, “You are no longer a boy, but a young man. Respect is a significant characteristic of a man.” My mother an I were never the same again, meaning we could talk and interact in peace. I realized that summer I had to change, that it was not just about taking orders, but I had to change my mind, my thinking, my actions, my manners.

Most people when looking at a crowbar see a tool to pry things apart. I see my uncle using the crowbar to separate me from anger and pride. Chops never yelled at me, never raised his hand to me, never made me feel insignificant, but he did make me feel accountable.

The next year, my next major life lesson through my tribe was being a servant through respect.

Now I am the uncle who disciplines, but my crowbar is a question…. “How are you treating your mother?” That is another story…